Deep Reflections

I often times feel so alone on this journey.

I don’t always understand it.

I said yes to God.

Why? Because I love Him.

I expected to take this amazing adventure with Him where I would be transported into different dimensions, different realms, doing things unspeakable to men.

I assumed that I would be carried on the wings of the Lord floating through the Kingdom of Heaven.

I imagined walking with Him in the cool of the day like Adam, sitting with Him Like Moses, having supernatural experiences like Daniel.

So, I said yes not knowing what awaited me.

Since then, I left my husband and adult children as God instructed.

Lived in my car, shelters, apartment, car, apartment as God instructed.

Found myself homeless twice, throwing or giving away all I had several times as God instructed.

Stripped of friendships, relationships, all alone as God instructed.

Left the church as God instructed.

Given all the things I loved the most, admittedly idols- health and fitness, fit body, vanity- and all external beauty , makeup, weave, etc.), reading books as God instructed.

I left my home, my city, my state all that was familiar as God instructed.

I didn’t get a job and when I felt I had no other choice it only lasted for weeks as I quit as God instructed.

As a result of following God’s instructions and trying my best to serve Him, I have encountered extreme amounts of spiritual warfare all under God’s sovereignty.

Gluttony, poverty, addiction, lust, sexual immorality, failure, rejection, humiliation, shame, confusion, mental torment, heartbreak which has left me:

60lbs overweight

Hair gone, balding

Broke

Alone

Suicidal at times

Stressed

Feeling unloved

Guilty

A handful of material items

Feeling like a failure

All because I said yes.

Have I grown in the Lord? Yes. Have I learned what my gifts are and how to operate in them? Yes. Have I learned to live with little and a lot? Yes. Have I learned who I am and who’s I am? Yes.

Im choking up right now as I type because I realize the Holy Spirit is leading me somewhere.

Holy Spirit:

Have you learned that your strength, your value does not come from anything external but comes from within? Have you learned that you must love yourself before you love anyone else? Have you learned the mandate to protect yourself from others that seek you harm? Have you learned that you are special, have gifts and are unique? Have you learned that you have the right to take up space in the world and that no one has right to take it from you? Have you learned how to use your voice and refuse to be silenced? Have you learned not to depend on others for ANYTHING? Have you learned not to entrust yourself to others?

Jennifer,

This adventure was not about money, fame, worldly success, vanity, endless acquisition of material items. It was not about the world finally seeing you and lifting you up into high places. It wasn’t about goal accomplishment or achievement.

You approached this adventure with me as though you approached any difficult task that you set out to do, like the marathon.

You knew it would be hard, even gut wrenching at times, and that drew you to it. You knew that the hardships, sacrifices would change you. You prepared for the day of the race, gave it everything you had. After it was over you basked in the glory of challenge conquered.

This is a lifetime spent with me as it is a life, your life, given unto me. I failed to meet your expectations and because of that you are deeply disappointed. You have exceeded my expectations and we are continuing to move forward. There is no end, only transition. There is no finish line.

What if all you ever do is walk with me daily? Will that be enough? What if we can create heaven on earth with You being surrounded by angels, filled with my spirit, led through each moment of your life by Me?

What if your life, the events of every day are handcrafted by Me to be your unique obstacle course to prepare you for more?

You are not alone. You have more with you than you could ever imagine. You have divine help. You are covered in my love and protection. My angels continue to guard you in all your ways.

What is your greatest fear?

Me:

That I fail.

Holy Spirit:

Fail who?