My Poison, My Remedy

Why do I continue to press on in my relationship with God?

It is one thing to find yourself in the pit with no way out.

It’s another thing to voluntary go in the pit, see a dozen pathways out, but remain because it is where the Lord wants you.

Even that concept in and of itself has had me in deep reflection endless nights.

God wants me in a pit. God wants me in a pit? God wants me in a pit!

The one whom I love and searched for the experience of real love in.

The one whom I have sacrificed and given everything to,

wants me to suffer, is actively crushing me and stripping me of all that I am.

If this was a man, anyone would say this is an unhealthy relationship, leave at once.

Furthermore, what unhealthy part of you loves, is loyal to and clings to one who would treat you in this manner.

Of course, these thoughts are all courtesy of the devil.

So why? Why do I continue in my relationship with the lord with all that is has cost me, is costing me and will continue to cost me?

Why would I stay in relationship with one that continues to seek my death daily?

Think about Isaac after the testing of sacrifice, Job after he lost his kids, Joseph with almost two decades lost in pits, prison and slavery all by the hand of God.

What kept them still in relationship with God?

I’ve given up all that I have at His request and His response…there’s more to release.

I see all that I have, all that I am, being washed away and I find myself fighting to keep its remanence, its remains, but it is slipping away like the sand falling through hands trying desperately to grasp it.

As I speak the Holy Spirit is giving me the answer.

Holy Spirit;

Jennifer,

Let it wash away. Let the pieces of you fall away. Let it all go. What you are holding onto is on orders from God to go away. It is not up to you to try to keep it intact. You're fighting a losing battle. The truth…it’s already gone. What you are holding onto are memories, a mirage of sorts. This is why what you are doing cannot sustain itself. It’s not there. It’s not available or assessable to you. You are chasing the wind-a version of you that has long past. When will you see that you are holding onto what is no longer there.

In Fight Club, a lot is happening in his perceived reality that is merely a product of his imagination. It is time. Time to wake up to the reality that is. Get out of the memory of yesterday and move into who you are present day. It can’t go with you. Remember the image of the portal? You can’t get through it because it is made narrow purposefully to fit you and you alone. You keep trying to drag all that was with you and you can’t move past a certain point. You try to get through but pop back out on the same side because you have to leave EVERYTHING behind.

The portal is there. The call awaits, but the call is for you and you alone. Will you let go of everything and everyone else to walk through?

Me-(finishing my thought before the Holy Spirit spoke)

Why I would go forward? There is the point in Original Sin- not a Christian movie. I watched it pre-saved and in times where I was not feeling saved if you know what I mean. Essentially Antonio Banderas marries Angelina Jolie. Her ex-boyfriend that she had a toxic relationship since they were kids comes back and wants to take from her husband- his money and eventually his life.

She wanted to escape the boyfriend but didn’t feel worthy of love from her new husband so she agrees to poison him. Antonio catches wind of the plot, comes home and sits at the table with a gun in his hand. He sits in front of a glass of liquor with rat poisoning. He knows this. They go back and forth and he says, “I told you I loved you but you didn’t believe me. Tonight I will show you.” As he drinks the glass, Angelina lunges for Him to knock it out of his hands but is unsuccessful. By the end of the movie, they end up together.

What made him drink the glass of poison believing it would lead to his death?

What made Samson tell Delilah his secret when he knew she was trying to kill him, especially when he knew from his first relationship in which she manipulated him to tell a secret that cost him?

What made Jesus give His life, when He could have called down a legion of angels?

Love.

Have you ever been in love to the point where even knowing the cost would be great, you would sacrifice yourself for it?

You can’t explain it. It doesn’t make sense to the rational mind.

You simply become lost in an unconditional, boundless, infinite, self sacrificing love.

You can’t explain it as it is God Himself. God is love.

This is why I remain. This is why I go forward. This is why I continue to return and press forward in my walk with the Lord at the cost of me…love.

So now with the words of the Holy Spirit lingering about,

I sit before my cup of poison that is meant to kill off all that is me and I drink it’s fill.

As I take it in, I can see it for what it really is.

It is not a poison to work against me, but a remedy to reveal me.

Today, I say goodbye to me.