As I read my devotional today, the topic was on forgiveness.

I asked myself who I needed to forgive.

A name popped up but even a greater name popped up that exposed a bigger truth.

Who do I need to forgive?

God.

I feel like this walk has cost me so much.

It cost me everything.

I don’t know exactly what life I thought I was getting in return for my life given.

I just imagined the small teddy bear in exchange for the large teddy bear…more.

This was not just a product of my imagination.

I left everything behind for the Lord’s sake, scripture tells me I will receive 100 times reward in this lifetime.

I have yet to see it.

Scripture says if I humble myself, He will exalt me.

Still feel pretty low.

Got told me if I left one, He’d bring me another.

Still waiting.

Some days I feel like so much has been taken from me.

I thought this was a partnership, a covenant, but

I seem to have given control over to one who dangles the carrot just outside of my reach.

One who says do more, give more, lose more, your almost there all while moving the carrot further and further out of reach.

I don’t even know what the carrot looks like anymore.

Many days I question if I even want it.

 My natural mind screams absurdity, insanity and stupidity!

Why continue to go after something that appears to be an impossibility to attain?

After all,

I have done my time for respect.

I have done enough chasing after carrots in my days of living and actually caught up with and enjoyed many of them to my full.

Why can’t I just be one of the normal ones?

Normal sounds so good right about now.

I don’t want much and what I want is within my grasp to get and I can ACTUALLY get it.

Give me a month and I I’ll have a new life set up for me.

In just a matter of weeks, I could take back control, and my life would look drastically different.

But why don’t I?

Because what does it gain to profit a man to gain the world yet lose his soul.

When I really sit and reflect there is some resentment, anger even rage with God.

Why did He take so much to only give back so little?

Then, I look around and see the building blocks for a whole new life- the life I have always wanted.

It is taking time. Way more time than I have ever imagined,

But, if I just stay the course,

If I just continue to build just where I am,

Day by day, night by night,

I will walk in an identity, purpose and lifestyle that would be better than I ever could have imagined.

A life based in truth, authenticity, originality that is not forced just lived.

I might just be the cause of my own resentment, anger, even rage.

I thought I would walk out of one life and move directly into a new one.

I figured I would empty my life and walk into one that was full.

Sitting in the emptiness of life just gave room for me to redirect my negative feelings toward God.

What I am realizing even in this moment,

Is that emptying my old life was necessary to make room for the new life.

I let go of things externally but there were still things internally I needed empty.

I never grasped the very practical way the Lord would build my new life.

It was not a life that would magically appear full and ready to go.

No, it would be an empty space in me and around me that I would have to, day by day, with the Lord fill.

My new life is here. I am sitting in the midst of it.

God fulfilled His promise.

God can do anything at even given moment. God can release all to me now.

But there is something else bigger taking place.

And right now, I’m getting emotional as tears are forming in my eyes.

Holy Spirit,

Jennifer,

I can give you all that you want but you wont have everything that you need. In fact, what you believe you want is not what your truest hearts desires are. They are what you think you should want. They are what you think will bring you happiness. You know that happiness is momentary. I want to give you joy eternal. I am teaching you. Jennifer, I am teaching you how to love yourself as you naturally are. I am teaching you to never again ask permission to simply be who you are. I am teaching you how to be content. I am teaching you how to build from the ground up. I am teaching you how to be at peace in the midst of Chaos. I am teaching you to simply be in my presence, to walk with me and grow with me, to follow me. So, each day we will build. In time, when you look around you, you will be in the midst of a life that we worked together to build. Your new life will have OUR imprint on it and because you are actively a part of each building block, carefully setting up and arranging this new life, you will be able to teach others how to the same. I do not want you to teach people to work for a miracle than move on. I am not teaching you to stomp your leg 3 times, jump, pat your belly for a miracle. I am teaching you how to:

 walk with me daily,

how to live life being led and guided me,

 how to share this life with me

Be solidified in who you were created to be

And to live as I designed you to live.

Then to go out and teach others to do the same. I am not a genie in a bottle. I am your Father who needs to be given time to show you how to build this new life and provide what you need to daily. Let’s narrow our focus to today. Don’t you see, you are freely on the track that you have always wanted to be on that is not only going to lead you to where you have always wanted to go, but even further?

Building a new life takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just don’t give up. Continue to follow my lead and soon you will be found basking in 100X’s reward.

Jennifer,

Im sorry Lord.I repent for my wayward ways.

 Please …

Forgive me.