Loss for Words

How is it that I can wake up with passion, fire and boldness?

Only moments after I opened my eyes, I felt this desire to be on fire for the Lord,

Than... I was.

I found myself in the midst of worship.

Not just any worship but tears, abandonment of self and desire to be as authentic yet empty as possible.

I prayed and was moved into scripture.

There was a flood of emotions, a stirring of the spirit, a racing of the heart.

God had a message for His people and I found myself in the midst of the message, breathing and experiencing the message.

I couldn’t wait to get online.

I was so full, like a hot cup full waiting to be released.

An hour and 30 minutes later,

I turn off the cameras and I was empty.

Job well done.

I had received a word.

I had given the word.

But only moments later the word began to dissipate, the feelings subsided, the moment... gone.

I can almost feel it leave like a lover leaving the bedside in the middle of the night.

And I just let it.

Sobriety has become me and now, at this moment, all I’m left with is just me.

The old life that I had with it’s lukewarmness, comfort, desires for just normality, neutrality, minimalism just moments before I opened my eyes,

Was right there waiting for me, inviting me back in

Like a partner waiting for me to return home.

How do I escape this cycle?

I have no ambition, desire, intention to be a hypocrite.

In that, I’m being asked to make a choice.

I find myself at a loss for how to respond.

How could this be?

What do I do?

I stand at the opening of the pit in all of my perceived freedom.

The call is clear and relentless, “climb back in. It’s not time yet.”

So I stand over the pit. I sit next to the pit. I distract myself from the pit and walk away only to see the pit in front of me once more.

I scream at the pit. I cry at the pit. I shake my fist at the pit. I run as far as I can from the pit only to see myself right back at the pit.

Why does this keep happening?

I look closer and understand why.

Jesus is in the pit with His hand outstretched calling me unto Himself,

Right in the middle of the pit.

This is where He wants me. This is the exact location of His laboratory. This is where my assignment is.

How can I lead people in the pit if I am not amongst them?

I can hear Him saying, if you love me, feed my sheep. The sheep that are in here. The ones that are being led here. The ones that are being led to the slaughter each day…

Holy Spirit,

Jennifer,

You do not understand what your assignment is. Joseph was in the pit, slavery and prison for almost two decades. Moses in the wilderness for 40 years. Abraham in wait for decades.

PAUL IN CHAINS, A PRISON OF MINE FOR LIFE.

You are not to lead from up high. You are to lead from down low. My prophets are more concerned today about fashion and  validation through material wealth than about connecting with the souls of my broken lost children to love them out of bondage and into the Kingdom. They have become the star of their own show. It has become a display of how God is using them NOT about seeing the hurt and pain in others nor to be broken, bruised for my sake to tend to them. I do not want you to become like that. You are dangerous.

D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S. Why?

Because you love me as a Father, as if I was sitting next to you as you type, as if I walked beside through your day, as a husband never leaving your side and walking with you.

You have a heart so big for others you have to put boundaries up to protect it but you would give someone, in fact, you gave someone you did not know and would never see again, who didn’t care for you everything you had on my instruction, glad to be a blessing.

Your military, educational, worldly experience makes you an invaluable resource for the kingdom.

There is only one thing you lack- steady, loyal commitment in the face of adversity.

So my desire is to keep you in the midst of adversity until you learn how to not waiver in it and remain steadfast.

You are improving in this area, but there is still more work to do so I invite in suffering because that produces hope, character, endurance.

I know you grow weary of this process, but you have committed to a lifetime with Me; therefore, a lifetime of process.

You don’t understand what to do now.

Just know that I am still in control. I am still sovereign and I know how to get you exactly where you need to go.

Simply keep trusting me day by day and eventually you will end up just where I want you.

You always do.