I’ve given the last of myself away to the lord.

Now what?

I have glimpses of the new life, the new identity God has for me.

What if I don’t want it?

What if the changes He is making in my life, I disdain?

What if I don’t want to be that person?

We know that there is a life we must give up, an old man we must lay to rest, an old identity we must discard.

As hard as this is to do, the more difficult thing to do is to gain a new life that is in total opposition to who you know yourself to be.

God has torn down the old existing structure.

He has been giving me tools and bricks one by one, day by day to build a new structure.

I look at them from a distance.

I have tried to use them.

I have tried to place them.

But I don’t like them.

I try to force myself to.

I tell myself, God knows best. It will be awkward at first, but it is conducive to how you were created. Just give it time.

I force it upon myself.

New activities. New disciplines. Changes in my personal appearance. New routines.

I DON’T LIKE THEM.

This is my truth that it has taken a long time for me to admit and now that I have it has become the biggest stumbling block to progress.

Because my life has been surrendered and my days events are not of my choosing and not at all what I desire, I find myself waking up … empty, not excited about my day, numb, bored.

I wake up at a time I do not desire.

I spend time with the Lord.

I share what He desires.

I sleep.

I read.

I write.

I sit in silence.

I do as He leads, as He desires.

I am trying to wrap my head around what it means to have and live life.

Will I forever be doomed to a life in which I feel on a leash?

This not a far-fetched concept as Paul refers to Himself as a Prisoner of Christ in chains for Him.

Is this what it is supposed to feel like?

Are the feelings of being empty, numb, bored, unmoved by the rise and fall of each day indicative of one that has truly died to Christ?

To surrender the self ambition, self will, desires, wants and passions in a moment in time is a great feat,

But how does one live in that state, a state of nothingness?

Does this also mean the eradication of hope, dreams, goals, plans? What’s left?

Am I supposed to feel dead?

Holy Spirit:

You are awakening to a death that has already occurred. What you are now perceiving as death never had breath. As you engaged in those routines, activities, lifestyle, habits, relationships, death was able to touch you and do its greatest work. Let us say, you do not truly know how to live. You are learning.

What the world taught you to do was to discover and prove your worth in the world. It taught you to find your place, take it by any means necessary and guard it with every fiber of your being. It taught you to conform, fit in, adopt a language, a mindset, a lifestyle that was congruent with the world’s agenda.

You learned to strive, effort, force, convince, persuade, prove, fight, chase, consume, hoard, climb to no end.

You are now learning to rest and rest feels foreign to you. You are learning to live in a way that is minimal, simple. You are being taught rhythms of rest, movement, activation that allows for you to enter into the flow of what has always been and what will always be.

Your nervous system needs to calm. Your body needs to slow down. You need to learn graceful movements. You need to attune your ear, eyes, your body to nature and its rhythms.

The military has long passed. Education is behind you. The rearing of children and managing relationships is in your rear. Your need to prove that you are somebody in this world and can conquer great challenges has already been established on your resume.

You have earned the right to slow down, to move without urgency and impending doom.

Welcome to Kingdom living.

Let your mind and body drink it in- peace, rest, contentment.

The old you needs the hustle and bustle of life to validate its existence, to give it shape, form, value, identity. It needs to search out the highest mountains to overcome to prove that it is one that belongs in the elite league of existence. It needs to fight, wrestle, conquer and overcome the world, but only out of fear that it may be crushed by it.

You now live by faith in God.

You now live safely in His refuge.

Embrace the soft life you have been granted.

Your Father will take it from here.