Today I am in a place of moving forward.

Life must go on.

I will no longer wallow in pity, guilt, shame for falling short in what God has called me to do.

My failures will no longer be used against me as a means to hold me back, immobilize me, send me into depressive states, turn from God or turn on myself.

The truth, there are a set of actions God desires me to take that I continue to fall short in.

It is as though I have hit a limit for suffering, self-denial, hardship, and doing things that I do not want to do.

The best way I can describe it is that every part of my being has said “ENOUGH”.

I try to force myself into fasting, changes in routine and appearance.

I just submerge myself under water to drown who I know myself to be as God instructs, but my body is fighting to push to the surface for air.

The minute I go under, there are safety mechanisms added to float me right back up to the top.

What can be looked at as great spiritual disciplines and tools uniquely designed for my spiritual formation,

Have become a means of starvation, neglect, denial.

The bigger problem,

I have spent my whole adult life doing this for the sake of others.

Now God asks me to venture even further into the depths of this type of suffering to position myself for the sake of others.

And every part of my body has taken its stand and has said “NO MORE”.

My heart loves and longs for Jesus. Obedience flows from that love. My heart aches for shortcomings and I submit.

But then, my heart aches for the little girl, the young adult, the wife (no longer), the mother, the student, the soldier, he friend, the church member who never felt love in its fullness being reciprocated.

I don’t have the ready solution for this.

I don’t need more understanding, revelation, love, grit, desire, surrender. None of those things have led to the success in what God is calling me to do.

The only thing I have decided on is to continue to move forward in life.

There are 3 specific things God is calling me to do that I just can’t get myself to do. They don’t even fill up one hand.

But when I think of all the things I have done for the Lord, all the things I have given up, released, been delivered from, severed- they are numerous. I wouldn’t even be able to count them all because the changes I have made in my life are so many.

Even though I struggle in the press to move forward in the tasks God has for me, when I look at the totality of my life, of my walk with God, I have come a long way.

My triumphs, only by the help of the Holy Spirit, far outweigh my failures.

The story of the bible is not about perfect men. It is about imperfect men that God uses to carry out His will on earth. These men continue to press forward in their call and their walk with the Lord despite their failings and shortcomings.

This is the only solace I have to keep moving forward.

Holy Spirit:

The path before you is the only way. For the chosen, they do not get to choose their way, it has already been chosen for them. There is no going forward without traveling the path God has uniquely created for you. You remain suspended in motion until you travel the path laid before you. God loves you too much to let you travel down a path created by another. There is only one option for you.

The path remains unchanged by your logic, understanding, past experiences. You can fool yourself into believing you are moving forward, but in reality, you are not as what you are doing you have done before; therefore, you are wandering on land that has been explored and conquered already. There is nothing new here. It has all been done by you before. As a result, there cannot possibly be any growth, any forward movement. It is merely a hamster wheel of sorts. Is this a life you desire?

Eventually, you will awaken to the futility of your current pursuits. Then what?

Me:

I do not and cannot force myself to do what I don’t want to do. I have tried several times and continue to fail because it is not what I want to do. I have tried to deny myself, take up my cross and do the things anyway. I can’t. My body literally rejected the process in the form of an all out panic attack. I just can’t bring myself to destroy myself anymore. I want to live.

What do I do? It makes sense to die to the flesh. All I keep doing is ending up in these unhealthy, dysfunctional cycles. Im getting tossed to and fro, from life to death. I don’t have the will to suffer, fight and spiritually war through it. I’ve had enough.

Holy Spirit:

One day you will have your fill of the world and selfish pursuits. One day you will have enough. Just know the Lord will be here waiting along with the path you MUST take.

Me:

What do I do until then?

Holy Spirit:

<Silence>

Me:

This seems so unfair. How do I break my will to live? This will I was born with that is independent of me and can act autonomous of me. I have self defense mechanisms built in to protect me even against myself. If my brain perceives danger it will begin a set of responses to protect me. If a person subjects themself to much heat- the body will sweat to cool it; too much alcohol-body vomits and expels it;too little oxygen or sugar- the body will pass out to conserve energy; extreme trauma-mind fractures and creates split personalities. I was born with this will to live that is designed to act without permission to protect me against me. How can I fight that?

Holy Spirit:

Greater is He that is in you, than He who is in the world.