Where am I?

No matter where I am,

I know with all certainty that God is with me.

As I ask that question, I know God has led me to check in with Him.

It is Him grounding me, guiding me back to Him.

It is an invitation to a meeting we need to have, now.

So where am I?

Always with God.

There is nowhere I can go in which I can leave His presence.

I belong to Him.

He is taking me somewhere and we WILL get there.

If it were fully up to me,

I would have gotten back in the boat, returned to shore and set up shop so far away that walking on water would become a distant memory suppressed far down in the reservoir of my mind.

But God.

My story is different than other Christians, or is it?

I didn’t grow up Christian. I grew up in the world. I was raised in the hood, hood. I spent all of my young adulthood, 20 years in the military as a construction worker- a Seabee. Our motto- “We build, we fight.”

Then at 36, the Lord Jesus called me unto Himself.

I had no idea what I was saying yes to.

I only knew beyond the shadow of the doubt that I was being pursued relentlessly by Jesus and that it was finally time I surrendered.

With little to no exposure to the Bible, Christianity, church, Christians or Christian culture,

I was on a sharp learning curve.

Only my experience with Christ was vastly different than anyone else that I had encountered.

A year in - called to seminary, led into intense long durations of fasting; a year in a half in- called to ministry to teach.

I was being stripped, changed.

I read the entire bible from cover to cover, then again, and again, and again. I had an insatiable, unexplainable hunger for the word.

I was led into starting a non-profit. The Lord began speaking to me directly through writing at around 2 years in.

It was a whirlwind, so much so, I felt the expediency, the urgency. I was being led and quickly.

I asked my pastor about this and she said, “It’s because God has something He wants you to do.”

After a couple of years I discovered the truth about church folks- we are all doing the best we can to love and serve Jesus but we were not perfect. I came face to face with ALL their imperfections.

Spiritual warfare amped up. Problems in the church, in my marriage and family, in my soul, in ministry, with the non-profit. It got fiery hot.

I experienced the fullness, or so I thought of Christianity. It was as though Jesus pulled back the curtain and said now let me show you what’s really going on; what you really said yes too.

I’ve been running ever since.

I am detailing my Christian experience to help me work through what I am experiencing today.

What brought me back, the Lord’s love.

My natural tendency when I come face to face, time and time again with the reality of what I really said yes too is too run.

If I knew back then, what I know, would I have still said yes? I don't know. I truly don't know.

What I do know is that I'm only here because of the love of Jesus that continually comes back for me time and time again

And my love for Him that surrenders time and time again.

I am not kept by allegiance to Christianity, the desire to become anything- I have nothing to prove.

I am not kept by a promise- I have experienced enough in life to be content.

I am not kept by the allure of potential riches and wealth. I have learned contentment whether I am abased or abound.

I am not kept by the need to express, perform, receive validation or glorification.

I am kept by one thing and one thing alone- the love of Jesus.

If you are looking to walk this life with a perfect, consistent, stable Christian who always is head over heels for Jesus, is never doubtful or weary and is always out front willing to suffer and die for the cause completely sin free,  I am not the one.

Let me repeat- I AM NOT THE ONE.

But if you are looking for someone who has a real relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ full of the good, bad and ugly

And who falls in love with Jesus over and over again-

I am your girl.

I am a just a girl who loves Jesus And has accepted the never ending, inexhaustible relentless love of Jesus.

That’s all and All is everything I need.

Holy Spirit,

Jennifer,

You are a human being. My spirit lives within you but you are still flesh and blood. You will have challenges in your walk with Me. We are in a real relationship and sometimes you will be angry with me or doubt me, not want to be around me and other times you wont ever want to leave me. This is an indication that you are not an imagined, carefully scripted relationship that is all one big performance. You are in a real relationship and we will always come back to the love we have for one another and press forward together. I will never stop chasing after you. It is I who keeps you. It is I who will take you to exactly where you need to go. In time, you will see. Let’s continue to press forward together in love.